Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!

Introduction

Welcome to Part 1 of my many thoughts and learnings since ‘coming out’. I'm still very much learning as I go so I'll hopefully be updating this big gay blog as often as possible.

If you know me well, you probably know that I've always had to write down how I feel so that I can process and move forward. Most of the time I've kept it all to myself but with LGBT+ education ‘up for debate' and laws being implemented to stone gays to death in other countries, I want to be vocal as part of the movement towards equality; and maybe bring hope for little gay boys and girls who feel too scared or uncomfortable to live their true lives.

The topics will probably range in intensity but today (in the words of Tina Turner) we'll be starting off nice and easy; but it may also get rough at some point too.

Part 1: Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!

When I was very much still in the closet (a phrase that makes me shudder to this day and one I use with resentment) I'd surround myself with music and pop culture created by gay people. I would listen to Frank Ocean and live a gay fantasy life in my head through his songs. I remember being so upset when one of his songs would be about a girl. Please Frank, this is my chance to live my real life, please don’t take that away from me. Thank god for Troye Sivan, thank god for Sam Smith.

One thing I heard a lot when I listened to gay people being interviewed was that 'it gets better' and 'there's no bigger freedom than being able to live your true self'. I heard what they all said, time and time again, but I didn’t believe that what they were saying could apply to me. They didn’t know my situation. A situation that was actually, in the grand scheme of things, very easy to come out in; but it didn’t feel easy. It simply wasn’t an option.

I wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted to live a normal life. And that did not include being gay, no matter how understanding I hoped my family and friends would be.

Gus Kenworthy, an Olympic skier, wanted to become World No. 1 before coming out so that he could say, “Yes I’m gay, but look at how successful I am.” I relate to that enormously. Not that I had to wait to become successful before coming out; as I said, coming out just wasn’t an option for me. But once that changed after I travelled the world by myself and once I came out to my world, that’s when I started my mission to become successful - whatever that meant. I was so entirely desperate not be known as ‘gay Josh’. I wanted to be known as funny Josh or Josh who's achieved this, Josh the success.

I recently read something I'd written almost immediately after coming out which explained, in greater detail, that I didn't want my gayness to define me, that I wanted to be a stealth gay as much as possible in the same way that I'm a stealth Jew to avoid any unnecessary push back.

I didn't want any overly camp friends, I didn't want people to think I'd change overnight and suddenly want to have girly sleepovers and talk about boys. It was almost the same level of fear I’d had about being 'found out' when I was in the closet in the first place. I’d replaced one terrifying fear with another. When friends would ask for fashion advice or say, ‘You’re gay, you should know this’ I'd feel sick to my stomach. I didn't want to become a stereotype, a secondary sassy character who’s just there for entertainment, a character with no feelings or real worth. Truthfully I’m still fighting with those feelings but now, a year or so later, I'm learning to become more comfortable with being gay and with introducing myself as a gay person.

Whenever you start a new job, or find yourself in a new social situation, you have to come out again and again; it never stops being terrifying. But the more I live as a proud, openly gay person the more comfortable I'll become and ultimately, who knows, maybe I'll help other gay people feel more comfortable too.

My final advice for today is: It does get better, it got better and it will for you too - if you let it.